Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Women Blame Yourselves for Why Men Won't Marry You

"I Do." .... "Maybe?"
I'm not sure if I'm a feminist or more of a relationship anarchist, but what I do know is I'm progressive enough to realize all this rah rah over marriage and who's on the short end of the matrimonial stick is B.S.

Remember during the Presidential campaign how every other week there was a new "War on Women." Well peep this, the "War on Men."

"Women aren't women anymore. 
To say gender relations have changed dramatically is an understatement. Ever since the sexual revolution, there has been a profound overhaul in the way men and women interact. Men haven't changed much -- they had no revolution that demanded it -- but women have changed dramatically.
In a nutshell, women are angry. They're also defensive, though often unknowingly. That's because they've been raised to think of men as the enemy.  Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. 
Now the men have nowhere to go. 
It is precisely this dynamic -- women good/men bad -- that has destroyed the relationship between the sexes. Yet somehow, men are still to blame when love goes awry. Heck, men have been to blame since feminists first took to the streets in the 1970s. 
But what if the dearth of good men, and ongoing battle of the sexes, is -- hold on to your seats -- women's fault?"
I really hate it when people patronize me. As a woman I'm offended another woman had the chutzpah to write this article. Now fellas before you side-eye me looks of death, I'm not offended because what the woman is saying can't possibly be true. I'm offended because after years and years of different groups pointing the finger at each other for an explanation of what's behind the decline of marriage this article adds nothing to the discourse. It is an insignificant blip on an already trite conversation.

Could ballsy women be their own downfall for not being married? Sure they can. Can men more obsessed with getting some than getting someone be blamed for the decline of marriage? Of course they can. There are a million and one reasons one sex can blame the other for why they are not married. At the end of the day all any of these articles offer are excuses backed by research that when read is full of facts and comparison about what used to be and not analysis or even a mere hypothesis about what is.

I've had arguments across the blogosphere about whether women should be "submissive" and "obey" to get a man. My sentiments: If that's what a chick chooses to do to take care of home then by all means who am I to say her way of getting, keeping, and maintaining her relationship is better than my own? Furthermore, if a dude feels he needs to bend over backwards to take care of his woman then what right does another man have to tell that man that he's gone soft?

Here's the thing all these articles about marriage and what's behind its decline miss: Marriage is mother-freaking HARD. Sometimes it's harder than street ice on a 40 below zero day with a wind chill at 27. Sometimes marriage is easy like a Sunday morning. Another unfortunate fact, not everyone is meant to be married.

There are more women in this world than men which means some girls are just going to be left out. Furthermore, just because you're not married doesn't mean you're single.

What the Great Recession taught all of us consenting adults is that one house is easier to pay for than two. "I love you, you love me, let's move in together and cut down on all these damn bills." For that same reason many families opted out of the divorce process. Think about it, spending money on lawyers, custody battles, and alimony in the middle of a financial crisis is just not intelligent.

Going to the heart of the research behind this article; more women say marriage is a priority than men, is not surprising. Again I don't think men or women are to blame for this disparity.

As a child I grew up playing with a bunch of girls. We all played house around my kitchen set. We'd dress up as Barbie and whoever was the oldest got to pretend to be Ken's wife. At 7 I may not have seen this as grooming myself to be married. At 21 I didn't even think marriage would be a reality for me. Now at 26 and married I give a *kanye shrug* and keep it moving because to say I've wanted to be married my whole life is an outright lie. Did I know it was kind of expected of me? Sure. Did I have a plan to trap a man and get a ring on my finger? Hardly. But that's me.

Some women are completely different. Remember the Royal Wedding. After eight years commoner Kate Middleton married her Prince Charming, Williams Wales. Immediately after Uptown released its pithy tome on just how much White Women were winning at marriage.

On the other side of the so called "Waity Katey" coin is the ultimate symbol of love in the Hip-Hop community. Jay-Z and Beyonce. If you listened to "Lost One" on Kingdom Come you'll know Shawn Corey Carter grew quite impatient with King B before she finally said "I Do."

In these uber high profile scenarios we see one man playing the field, or sowing his royal oats, or whatever he did before he decided to lock himself down, while the other man went after the Bonnie to his Clyde when she was a mere young'n and waited for her to do her feminist music duty before she could get all booed up and "Love On Top."

So who do you blame the woman or the man for the delay in marriage and even its ultimate decline?

Survey says: You don't blame anyone.

Women don't need to "surrender to their nature -- their femininity" to fulfill their priority, if it is their priority to be married. Men don't need to restore their nature to fulfill their priority, if it is their priority to make someone their wife.

Marriage is a choice people make when they're serious about being married. To rush that choice does a disservice to all the men and women who have tried at marriage and failed. To analyze that choice, while helpful to sociologists studying trends over time, is also a disservice. Analysis of human behavior boxes in human nature and all its unclear characteristics. The analysis ends up being at the least biased and at the most completely unfounded within a couple of years. Finally, to lay blame on a group and castigate like minded individuals of a certain gender for not doing something only provides a hindrance to the solution if there even is a solution to discern, "Why Aren't People Getting Married More?"

This War on Men is no more helpful to either gender or improving the numbers of married couples than a 12,000 word opus on "All the Single Ladies," or its counterpart pieces "The End of Men" and "Why Women Still Can't Have It All."

Ladies and Gentleman...

Just Stop.

1. Do you blame a specific gender for the decline of marriage? If so, which gender and why? If not, why?
2. What do you think is behind the decline of marriage?
3. As gender roles continue to evolve will marriage become a dead institution?
4. Is marriage still the ultimate goal of #winning at life?

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