Tuesday, August 21, 2012

GUEST POST: Smart and Cute is Hard to Find

By Kimberly Hodges
Last summer, I ran into an old acquaintance while out for drinks at the Walnut Room in Philadelphia.  I had recently moved back home from a 5 year stunt in Los Angeles and was eager to relearn my city.  During those 5 years in LA, I dated a gentleman from my college on and off.  By the time I came home to Philadelphia, our relationship had become very deep and heavy.  My Walnut Room acquaintance was everything I was looking for in a friend, a nice guy, fun, and knew how to party.  I’d often see him around town smiling, dancing and lighthearted.  He seemed like he had the best social life of everyone I knew and I wanted in on the good times that seemed to come to him so easily. 
That night, him and I somehow got into a conversation of why he was single and his comment was, “Smart and cute is hard to find.”  Granted, this kid is extremely smart.  I don’t know what boy genius’ standard is for “smart”.  It seemed like he just wanted good conversation.  Not only do the requirements of smart and cute seem like he’s not looking for enough in a woman, it seems like there are millions of women that fit that description.
I'm amazed at how many men I hear complaining about not being able to find a “good” woman. All I know are smart, talented, funny, beautiful women.  These women are diverse, creative, educated, fun, and most importantly single.  I never understand how a man has trouble finding what he is looking for in a romantic partner.
But, that’s really the problem.  The more I probe, “Well, what are you looking for?” the more I realize, most men (woman as well) do not know what they want. True love could be staring them in the face and they would miss out on that opportunity to fulfill their souls relationship desires. Why? Because they aren't in tune with themselves enough to know what they truly want. They haven’t taken the time to reflect on what qualities their partner should have that will bring out the very best in themselves. They haven’t spent time in silence asking themselves what experiences they desire to have in a relationship.
Some of my male friends practice opposite patterns.  It seems like they fall in love with every girl that they meet.  There is a beautiful story about how they met.  They describe their new love as perfection embodied on earth, until a couple months later when they have fallen out of lust/love.  I love these boys, because I know that they really do believe in love and desire that for themselves. But the same principle applies here.  What are you looking for?  When you realize that she is not perfect, she has growing opportunities, and you are not going to live on cloud 9 with her all day every day, who is the woman with whom you want to build a lasting future?
The truth is, you are going to meet a bunch of potential partners that are “smart and cute”.  But you need to go much more in depth in your desired description.  How would you describe your partner’s spiritual life?  How do you feel when you are with your partner?  What activities do you enjoy with your partner?  How do your families get along?  How serious does your partner want to be at this point in your lives?  Your list should have 75 items on there easily. 
There are billions of people in this world, not every one is going to be the one for you.  And that’s ok.  There are billions of people in this world, at least one of them is the one for you.
My challenge to you is to create your list.  Whether you are single and hoping to experience your perfect relationship, or you are in a relationship and you want to improve your experience, write a list.  Read it often and add to it as you get more clear about what you want to experience.  Stay positive and focused on what you want, not what you don’t want.  As your list becomes more refined, stop dating everyone who does not fit the characteristics or description of what you are looking for.  Those people are showing you what you do not want so that you can become very clear about what you do want.
Relax, and let your soul’s partner come to you.  When you find yourself with multiple potentials and are not sure how to move forward, refer back to your list and cut accordingly.  There’s no other way to it.  You cannot find what you are looking for if you don’t know what you are looking for.  It’s time to get clear.

Kimberly Hodges’ life coaching has counseled people in the areas of relationships for many years. Through her ongoing study of personal development and testing various tools and techniques, Kimberly provides a unique perspective that helps individuals improve their relationship with themselves as well as others.
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