Monday, June 11, 2012

Things I just don't understand!!!

I've been on the planet for a while now and I like to think I'm a little wiser than I was when I first arrived. However there are some things that I've seen that I just don't understand. Perhaps you can help me out because I just don't get them.  After all these years I have to admit these things are still a mystery to me and probably always will be. But maybe I'm just not that bright.  I don't say no to that. Can you explain these things?
  • People-usually teens-walking down the middle of the street in a subdivision when the city or township has been thoughtful and kind enough to put sidewalks on not one, but both sides of the street. The low iq people who do this usually have the nerve to give you a dirty look when you blast the car horn to get out of the way. You don't see me driving on the sidewalk so why don't you stay out of the street.  If my car hits you, which one of us do you think will have more regrets? Hint, it won't be me.   

  • Women that wear a micro-miniskirt to work and then spend the entirety of their workday tugging down on the skirt or engaged in an epic struggle to either sit down in their chair or get up from it without showing the entire office something special. If modesty is really important, why are you wearing the miniskirt? The way I see it if you've gone to the time and trouble to put all that on display it would be rude not to look.
  • A Masons' recruitment drive with the catchy slogan of "Share the secret". Um. Isn't the whole point of being in a secret society that it's secret? Do you know anyone past five years old that tells you that they have a secret and then tries to convince you to listen to them tell it? If you're having recruitment drives I guess the secret must not have been compelling enough to keep membership high. Back in the day if you were in the Masons you kept your mouth shut and if you weren't in you wanted to get in to find out what the deal was. Now they're having forlorn recruitment drives on the side of the road. Sad.
  • Sagging pants on men. Do women like this? Do homosexual men like this? What is the possible message sent by a grown man walking around with his over sized pants falling down? What you're too cool to wear clothing correctly? Who was running around saying that they needed to see men's behinds/boxers in public? Fess up!! Cause it wasn't me. Nope, not me. I think I would remember that. I didn't get a survey or anything.
  • Police that stop you for speeding or violating some other esoteric moving ordinance and then once you've rolled down the window ask "Do you know why I stopped you?" Well gee, you're probably gonna tell me. Is this a trick question? If I was doing 85mph in a 60mph construction zone I could perhaps take a guess.  If I guess right will you get back in your rinky-dink car and leave me alone? What are they looking for? Contrition? Confession? "Bless me officer for I have sinned. It has been two years since my last ticket". Just ticket me or better yet do not ticket me and send on my way but stop wasting my time with dumb questions, Officer Donut. As you can no doubt tell, I'm in a bit of a rush.
  • People (usually men) that think that their ride is not complete without a 10,000 watt power amp blasting vulgar lyrics and/or teeth rattling bass so that everyone within the tri-county area can hear their music, whether they want to or not. Is this a mating behavior? Do women actually come out to judge decibel levels?  Will they be attracted to the man with the largest....sub woofer?
  • Creflo Dollar
  • Banks that have started printing deposit or withdrawal slips with Spanish next to English. Hmm okay. But what if I speak Farsi? Or Armenian? Or Portuguese? Or Amharic? Or Khoisan? You're discriminating against me! How dare you assume that if I've come to the United States of America I have learned how to communicate in English but a Spanish speaking person hasn't. I demand equal translation slips!!!
  • Co-workers who don't understand that when the meeting organizer or boss asks just before the meeting's end "Is there anything else?" , he or she is posing a RHETORICAL QUESTION! That means it's time to go!! That is not the time to pose some long detailed inquiry which a) is designed to make you look smarter than you are, b) was likely already answered while you were coming up with your oh so super smart question and c) is likely to make me stay later while people answer your super smart DUMB question which was already answered. People that do this at the end of the day are just asking for a "correction" which I will be delighted to administer. 
  • People who feel that a minimum daily shower and deodorant are optional hygiene choices. If your co-workers consistently arrive to a staff meeting early so that they don't have to sit next to you and /or the minute the meeting is over the whole team breaks Olympic sprinting records running for the door to get some fresh air away from you, maybe you should consider increasing the frequency and efficacy of your showers. Just thought I'd mention it.
  • Bosses that ask you are you happy? Now why would I possibly be honest and forthcoming about that answer? All you really need to know is that I am at work and productive. Anything beyond that gets into either my personal life or my career plans, neither of which would necessarily be prudent to share with you.
  • People that get dogs and then complain about barking, shedding or housebreaking. Duh. They're dogs!!
  • Magazines that charge more for a subscription than for a newsstand edition.
  • People who drive way under the speed limit in the left lane. This is called the passing lane for a reason that ought to be obvious. Why are they doing this?
Can you explain any of these? Got any others to share?

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