Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The "Where Have All the Good Men Gone?" Fiction

OK Ladies, the fellas and I have to call you out on something that will invariably have some most of you saying "well I don't do that" in the ever-so-predictable effort to maintain your self-imposed halos that must remain untarnished at all times, facts be damned.  So let us dispense with the pleasantries and cut right to it shall we?  This whole "there are no good brothers out there" mantra that many of you like to recite as gospel - it's all bullshit. (pardon my French)  Now, to be clear, we're well aware of the fact that there are trifling brothers out there.  We see them out and about just like you do.  This isn't one of those "all men are good, all women are evil" type rants.  Please.  Bullshit knows no gender.  What we are trying to dispel here, however, is this fabricated notion that has been offered by far too many women as the primary reason for why they are single.  The notion that, naturally, these infallible women would have found a solid and fruitful relationship by now...if only these trifling men didn't have so many issues.  Because clearly, that's the main problem.  There couldn't possibly be any...dare we say it...fault on the part of the ladies could there?  Before you make a judgment one way or the other, please allow us to present Exhibit A after the jump.

The following example has happened so many times and has been witnessed by so many fellas in so many different parts of the country that it is difficult to attempt to characterize it as an "isolated incident" by any stretch of the imagination.  No, in fact, it's a fairly common scenario.  The irony about how common this scenario occurs, however, is how incredibly few women will admit its existence or that they, themselves, have ever knowingly participated in it.

A group of us were out on the town recently, enjoying the weekend like any other group of brothers you might encounter out at your local metropolitan night life scene.  Our appearance: button up collared shirts; slacks or denim jeans (not sagging); black or brown dress shoes (depending on the outfit); all of us clean shaven and all of us either with lined-up hair cuts or bald heads as the case may be.  Like I said, we were the average brothers that you would probably see out at a lounge somewhere.

In walks a group of attractive females who immediately draw the attention of just about every man in the room.  We see these young ladies, acknowledge their beauty amongst ourselves, and go on with the rest of our night catching up with old friends and reminiscing about good times.   At some point later on in the evening, we head up to the bar to get another round.
"Lemme guess," the bartender says as he gestures to the aforementioned female entourage, "you wanna send those ladies a drink too, right?"
One of us responds, "Who them?  They are fine but, uh, no thanks. Just here for our next round."
The bartender continues, "about 100 guys have bought them drinks tonight so I figured you guys were next."
Then another one of us responds to the bartender "Yeah, I'm sure they have.  But you see, that's the problem with scenarios like this - TOO many guys have tried to talk to those girls already. If one of us were to go over there right now and try to say so much as 'hi' they wouldn't even give us the time of day at this point."
"No way.  I don't believe that.  You look like some respectable guys."
"Doesn't matter. I guarantee you it won't work.  Their ego's are too big now."

We return to our table and continue in a lengthy extension of the conversation that we had just had with the bartender.  Then we leave that lounge and head to another place and meet up with another group of friends.  The night goes on and eventually we're about to head home for the evening when, low and behold, we see the infamous entourage of ladies exiting from the first location.

One of us jokes, "If their heads were big 3 hours ago, we can only imagine how big they are now."
"Hey, you know what, we could be completely wrong, fellas.  They might actually be the type of ladies who can actually appreciate it when a respectable cat comes up and says hi."
"I doubt it."
"Wanna bet?"
"Ok, let's settle this - go up and introduce yourself politely and see what happens.  I bet you they don't even stop. Watch."

So one of us walks up to them and says "hello ladies, how are you this evening?"

No response.

They don't even stop walking to acknowledge that a sound was even made.  In retrospect, the ability to completely refuse to acknowledge another human being without missing a step must take an impressive amount of discipline and years of experience.

Now, I could understand blowing off my buddy if he had said something like "hey baby" or if he had run some kind of cheesy line, but he didn't.  He simply, and politely, asked how they were doing, and as a result, he received about as much respect as a homeless person.  Speaking of homeless people...enter homeless dude, stage left.

One of the young ladies was eating some late night McDonald's and apparently could not finish it all. She spots a homeless man on a nearby park bench and offers him the remnants of her meal.  He says to her "thanks for the food...now how 'bout some pussy?"  She runs back to her friends, repeats what he just said, and they have a laugh.  But at this point, the homeless guy is now intrigued and he makes his way over to the group and starts harassing the ladies for sex.  We intervene and, in so many words, tell the homeless guy to keep stepping, but we do so in a joking way that makes light of the situation and allows him to keep his pride.

The girl who offered him the McDonalds unexpectedly chimes in and says in a mean spirited tone "you guys don't need to do that," which kind of took us by surprise.  Here we were, stopping a homeless guy from doing God knows what to some young ladies (the same young ladies who wouldn't even give my buddy the time of day a minute ago, mind you) and they basically tell us to go kick rocks.  At this point, we threw in the towel on interacting with these young ladies any further and a couple of us started to walk back towards our car.  A few of the single brothers among us, however, persisted with the experiment.  They tried many different ways to make small talk with these young ladies, but each way ended with the ladies rolling their eyes or some other similar gesture of disinterest. The negative vibe in the air was so thick you could touch it.

Finally, after pulling teeth for about 10 minutes straight, one of the ladies asked what we did for a living.
There it was!
One of the single brothers pointed towards my buddy who was standing with me (the one who they had originally ignored by the way) and said, "you see that guy, he's a doctor."
The ladies said "no he's not."  
My buddy, hearing this, responded truthfully, "Yes, I'm a doctor."
"Yeah right. We've heard that one before.  Prove it."
"Ummmm, ok. If you insist." My buddy then pulls out his medical credentials.  The ladies all of a sudden take interest in what he has to say.  He continues, "we're all educated brothers here.  My dudes over there are lawyers," he says as he gestures to me and the other fellow towel-thrower.  Again, the ladies say "yeah right."  So then my blog partner, The Fed, shouts over to me "hey [Janitor], would you kindly tell these ladies what you do for a living?"
I shout back "I'm an attorney."
The Fed asks the brother standing next to me the same question.  He responds "I'm also an attorney."
The ladies respond again with skepticism "yeah right. What's the name of your firm?"
We tell them the name of our employers and I could tell by their expressions that they still weren't buying it.  So I pull out my blackberry, go to my firm's website, point to the screen and say "see that?  That's me. Are you happy now?"

All of a sudden their entire demeanor changed.  A complete 180.  It went from negative to positive just like that.  The ladies were enthusiastically asking us questions at this point and engaging in full out conversation.  After a few minutes, they asked us for our contact info.  The "McDonald's" girl even asked if she could look us up on facebook.

At this point we smoothly yet firmly replied, "well ladies, look, we appreciate the love and everything but we really weren't looking to holler at ya'll or ask for your phone numbers or anything like that.  To be honest, we just wanted to say 'hi.'  That's all.  We didn't come at you disrespectfully like your boy over there who asked you for some pussy.  All we wanted to say was 'hi' but you didn't even respond to my man when he said that to you. It's too bad we had to pull out medical and legal credentials just to have a civil conversation with you.  Maybe next time you'll actually respond when somebody tries to show you some respect and just says 'hello, how are you this evening?'"

Their jaws literally hung open as they stood there speechless.

"You ladies have a nice night."

And with that, we bounced.

The icing on the cake was that of the 4 young ladies, all 4 were single.  Go figure.  One was a secretary who worked for a lawyer, one was a secretary for a chamber of commerce, "McDonald's" girl was a student majoring in criminal justice and the fourth one, who initially had the most attitude by the way, was unemployed and asked my doctor buddy if he could get her a job at his hospital.  But as we told the ladies, if we have to jump through that many hoops just to have what should have been a very simple conversation, then it is no wonder why all 4 of them, and millions of other ladies just like them, are single.

And in the great words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.
blog comments powered by Disqus