Friday, June 14, 2013

A Modest Proposal

But my assessment and my team's assessment was that they help us prevent terrorist attacks. And the modest encroachments on privacy that are involved in getting phone numbers or duration without a name attached and not looking at content, that on net, it was worth us doing. 

Some other folks may have a different assessment of that, but I think it's important to recognize that you can't have 100% security and also then have 100% privacy, and zero inconvenience. We're going to have to make some choices as a society.

President Barack Obama
As you can see the President thinks his Administration's actions are modest and worth doing. How soothing. He just forgot to inform us about his actions. I'm sure that was a minor mistake. In the manner of Jonathan Swift, Dear Readers, I also would like to submit a modest proposal to solve the vexing problem of danger and evil in the world. We must have safety as many folks from across the political spectrum have demanded. I can offer you complete safety. There will just have to be a few minor, yes modest changes to make in our political system but if they keep you safe, then surely it's worth it yes?

This constitutional republic thing just isn't working out. Besides our nation is more diverse now. Why should this country be ruled under systems that came out of Anglo-Saxon and Western European 18th century political thought?  No we must update our political process to reflect today's needs. Elections are wasteful and give too many opportunities to our enemies or those sympathetic to them to gain power. In fact there's too much decentralization of power in our system. I commend the President for recognizing that, at least. But now, we must have autocracy. All legislative, executive and judicial authority will be handled by yours truly. Since I will be a permanent ruler the rest of you will save oodles of money on silly little things like elections or political campaigns. Political corruption will decline because there will only be one person in charge. Me. And I assure you I am not corruptible. Congress will be disbanded. Only my leadership will keep us safe. Don't you want to be safe?

Many people have said they have nothing to hide and really have no use for the outdated Fourth Amendment. I have heard you my subjects. I am humbled by your great wisdom and intelligence. Under my reign I also won't have any use for that rule created by dead white men. It fails to keep us safe. And we must be kept safe. That is the most important thing for government to do. So to make sure that we are kept safe I will be ordering random searches and checks of every single American's primary home, apartment and vehicle and any other domiciles. From time to time the police may just live with you for a few days to ensure you're not doing anything wrong. They'll stay in your house while you go to work, follow you to your doctor or dentist appointments or drop by while you're out. It goes without saying that they will stop any domestic violence before it starts, read your mail, and take every conceivable method to ensure that no one in your home is committing any crimes.  I'm also considering installing video screens in every home. This will stop domestic violence. I know you will thank me for this later when crime drops. After all I am keeping you safe.

Speaking of crime the Supreme Court just ruled, over the objections of that dammed left wing hack Antonin Scalia, to permit police to collect DNA from people accused of serious crimes. I say good for the court but why stop there? No my friends, what we need are total and complete DNA profiles. The only way to do this is to require everyone in America to visit their local police station and give a DNA sample along with their fingerprints and hair. That way we can have everyone in the database. Crime solving will be a breeze. And since so many of you intelligent folk have responded to NSA snooping reveals with witty aphorisms such as "I'm not afraid of the government knowing where I am or what I'm reading because I have nothing to hide" I am happy to report that I will be taking you all of you up on that offer. While you're down at the local constabulary giving DNA samples to Officer Friendly, the police will also be giving you something.
This will allow the NSA to know where every single citizen, green card resident, visitor or illegal alien is  (within a 3-5 meter variation) at all times. Babies will of course have these chips implanted and DNA taken at birth, free of charge. Isn't that a wonderful benefit? I think so. Besides, it will keep you safe.

Since we don't need elections, I'm not too sure about the wisdom of such things as trials either. You will need to free your pretty little heads from ideas like "having your day in court"  or "innocent until proven guilty" or "the right to remain silent." Frankly I don't think you will miss them that much. Still to show that I'm a nice guy I will allow judges and trials to continue. We'll I'll just make a few, how did President Obama put it, "modest encroachments" on the trial process. First of all, all judges at all levels will be appointed by me to serve at my pleasure. Next we need to get rid of this silly "innocent until proven guilty" meme that has infected so many otherwise intelligent people. If you hadn't been doing something wrong you wouldn't have been arrested and charged. Everyone knows that. And in the RARE case that is otherwise, well any cook will tell you you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. 

Henceforth, accused criminals will be considered guilty and have to prove their innocence. And as far as remaining silent, heck if you were falsely accused wouldn't you want to speak up? Remaining silent just confirms guilt in my book. And all this nonsense about a right to an attorney or a jury trial prevents efficiency in our system. So we'll be getting rid of that. If you can't afford an attorney well you should have thought about that before you committed a crime, you silly goose. And judges, being educated legal professionals, are much better at determining guilt than the yahoos who can wind up on juries. Society will save more money by not having to waste time by selecting juries. Besides my judges will keep you safe. And isn't that the most important thing to you? I thought so.
Because of the wise reforms described above there will be much less doubt about the innocence or guilt of an accused criminal. Yet I know that some of you may have atavistic attachments to such concepts as the Bill of Rights but believe me it's more important to keep you safe. I mean that's what you're telling me every day.
Finally it has come to my attention that many of you claim to have the right to dissent and point to such things as the First Amendment to guarantee your free speech, right to petition, assemble, disagree and so on. Well obviously you weren't paying attention. When I said I would be an autocrat, were you unclear on the concept? Anyway the First Amendment has been abused by those who would harm us Dear Readers. So until we can be sure the terrorist threat has been completely eradicated I'm afraid that I will be shutting down all publishing houses, newspapers, broadcast media, cable networks and Internet service providers. Don't worry I will reopen a select few, who agree to provide continuously vetted material that gives you accurate information about the world. This will stop cancerous ideas like free speech and dissent from spreading  prevent terrorists from communicating with each other. Now some of you may squawk and complain but (1) I really wouldn't do that in front of my security force if I were you and (2) it will keep you safe , which should be the most important thing to you. Right?

There are a few other minor changes to still be worked out but these modest proposals should be sufficient for now. You can thank me later. Remember, I've got my Eye on you.
Sauron, First of His Name, Ruler of the World and King of Men. 
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